Being depressed is not feeling sad or alone. It’s the absence of feeling but also the spectrum of emotions being all felt at once. One moment you feel nothing, and the next, you’re in agony over this sharp and sudden pain and it you can feel it everywhere. Then you’re back to feeling nothing again. For a moment, you’re relieved but then the emptiness seems a lot more daunting and you wait anxiously for that sharp pain, to feel alive again, even just for a moment. It’s an endless cycle of self torture.
I keep having flashbacks. First I used to get a few a month, now they’re almost every day. I have nightmares about my life. Sometimes I wake up thinking I’m somewhere else, only to realize I’m still here. I’m having a hard time forgetting everything. The pain; it’s still very much there. I’m lost, and more alone than ever. I try to leave the past where it belongs, but it always catches up to me somehow. How long will this go on for?
"I will not vote for a candidate who thinks you can ‘pray away the gay,’ I will not vote for a candidate who thinks that he has more rights to my uterus than I do, I will not vote for a candidate who thinks that it’s okay to dump toxic waste in the ocean … I believe all men, all women, regardless of race, gender, socioeconomic background, you deserve the same rights. If that’s not where our country is going, then I’ll leave."
I’m not the most eloquent speaker, so I thought I would borrow a few words from Shakespeare. ‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.’ When life gets hard, when things change, true love remains the same. I look at Nathan and Haley and some how I feel safer. I don’t know if I can explain that, but they give me hope. And, I’m afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it’ll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame. Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything’s going to be okay and that there’s going to be someone there to help make sure of that. So, here’s to Nathan and Haley, and here’s to hope, and here’s to a love that will not alter.
"Paul Wesley should get award for just being himself." [2/2]